How To Beat Your Woman Without Going To Jail

Who says it is very wrong to beat women? 

Nonsense. Arrant baloney! Women deserve to be thoroughly beaten because they are too stubborn, too erratic. Women have always created problem for men; even the Holy Bible tells us that the first man fell because of his wife. Therefore, it is quite safe to say that if God had not created women there would, most likely, be no sin in the world. I sincerely wish Adam had beaten the hell out of Eve after the inglorious fall, to teach other generation of women great lessons. But Adam didn't.

Still in the Bible, the most notorious woman ever, Jezebel, made her softhearted husband, King Ahab, to kill the hardworking Naboth over a piece of vineyard. Who asked for the head of John the Baptist on a platter of Gold? Woman. On whose laps did the most powerful man that ever drank water fell? Woman. Samson fell on Delilah's laps. Abacha, too, according to some sources, was killed by apples (I can't tell the kind of apples) given to him by some pretty Indian women.

So you see why women deserve to be thoroughly beaten? Before your woman kills you, let me quickly tell you ten ways to beat your woman without being jailed.

# Step 1

To start with, you'll need to buy what the Yorubas call Koboko. It is a kind of cane made from the skin of goats. You can get it from any of those Abokis selling cane materials. If you can't see those Abokis around, go to the nearest Sabo market near you.

# Step 2

Soak the Koboko in hot pepper for at least 24 hours.

# Step 3

Give your woman a glass of juice and some sleeping tablets

# Step 4

As soon as you notice that your woman is asleep, get a piece of rope and strap her to the bed.

# Step 5

Shut all the doors and the windows, so that none of the neighbours can come to her rescue.

# Step 6

Go to wherever you soaked the koboko, and bring it to the bedroom.

# Step 7

Switch on the air-condition or celling fan in your bedroom, so that the strokes will make the body of your woman burn.

# Step 8

Go to the bathroom, and get a bucket of water. Pour it on your woman. Why pour it on her? Water is life. It will make the koboko more potent.

# Step 9

Grab the koboko, swing it above your head like an a shot putter would do, and powerfully bring it down on your wife. She'll painfully jerk but never mind. Flog her. Flog her. Flog her till you lose your strength and she becomes motionless.

# Step 10

Yes, congratulations. You've successfully beaten your woman. Now, unstrap your woman and get the ropes. Form a noose. Tie one end of the noose to a celling fan, wear the noose on your neck like a royal bead and then climb on a stool. Close your eyes and let go of the stool. You will swing and swing and swing. Then, open your eyes. You'll find yourself in hell; that way you would have avoided being jailed. Idiot!

Women worldwide deserve the highest level of respect from men. Learn to love your woman; regardless of the level of provocation never raise your fingers against her. Women, like men, have their own deep weaknesses but they are still very precious in the life of a man. The best place to beat your woman is on the bed, anywhere else is domestic violence. SAY NO TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

Written by

Ademule David,he is a student of Human Society and a well known Satire Writer.